Nordies

Monday afternoon after work, mom and I decided to hit the Nordstrom sale.  It was a good opportunity to hit the fall fashions for the mother of the bride.  We made our trek out to Fashion Place and headed for the petite department.  After looking at dresses that resembled moo-moos and luau inspired wear a sales associate approached us and did indeed confirm that there was nothing of the mother of the bride caliber in that dept but to head downstairs to savvy.  So we did.  These clothes are made for tall skinny people, but with the hopes of a tailor, we attempted to choose outfits.  A black skirt here, a little dress there, some taffeta and frilly sweaters.  Our selections were all over the place as the typical mother of the bride wear just doesn't fit my mom.

When you think mother of the bride, I begin to envision Diane Keaton in the movie all polished in a champagne colored suit.  My mom typically wears golf shirts, shorts and flip flops.  Most of the color schemes are red and black.  Black is the typical color for her dress up wear.  She looks good in black.  However, a funeral and a wedding should be two separate events...unless you are mourning the loss of someone figuratively. 

The outfits went from bad to worse.  Pants that swallowed her whole and ran two feet beyond her toes on the floor, sweaters that knitting patterns resembled spider webs, and "short" skirts that hit her mid calf.  The best outfit (aka the funniest) was the aqua taffeta outfit.  A spaghetti strap tank, long skirt and a jacket.  The skirt hit her right about her rib cage, the tank was too long and exposed way too much and the jacket arms enveloped her hands.  Not to mention seeing my mom in aqua was hilarious.  We were both laughing so hard we were crying and others in the dressing room began to ask us what was so funny.

Ann Taylor was equally age inappropriate.  Bohemian mother of the bride just wasn't fitting in.  Where the hell was that champagne suit?  We did find a chocolate brown pants suit that looked stunning and put it on hold at another store.  We hoped there was something in her closet that would work.  Not so much.  Even though the 80's are apparently back (see Nordstrom anniversary sale catalogue complete with leg warmers, off the shoulder sweaters, and skinny jeans that tuck into boots), the black suit dress with the big lapels and gold broach from 1989 just didn't cut it.  However I digress.

After shopping for mom we decided to shop for "fundamentals" for my wedding gown.  As we headed in to Vickie's S, I could already tell I wasn't impressed.  The sales girl seemed confused by what we needed and kept remeasuring me over and over again.  I tried on size after size.  Corsets, strapless, convertible straps, etc.  Finally they brought me what looked like a tube top with boning.  I couldn't get it past my calves when mom and I again burst into giggles.  We were done with this gig.  As I was leaving the dressing room, the sales clerk seemed disappointed as she truly was in for the challenge.  But I finally told her, "I just think that the girls are going to go free."  She gasped, turned red, and started to laugh.  The customer behind her didn't know what to do.  I don't think anyone has ever said that to her.

We actually ventured back to Nordstrom.  Found the ideal "foundation asset."  I just needed to try it on.  As we stood in line for a dressing room I saw way more than I was bargaining for.  I completely forgot Mormons wear their undergarments outside of their temple garments.  Its truly amazing they have so many kids with that ugly of a look going on.  It doesn't exactly say, "come hither."

In one dressing room there was a lady about 70 years old.  She looked a bit butch with her short spiked hair, no make up, and sagging but large body.  The sales girl was a bit cheeky.  She closed the door and the following conversation ensued:

"You are a triple D."

"I am not."

"Ok, you can call it a F if you'd like.  Now, it seems that you are wearing your under wire a bit low.  It should be right under here."

"Whoa! That doesn't feel right!"

"Yes, well, welcome to the world of support."

At that point in time I just had to walk away because I was laughing so hard.  Ah, Nordstrom:  customer service at its finest.