Home Depot, round II through V

You can call me Ms. Queen of the Swamp Cooler.  I've now attempted to fix a leak in the water tubing with some sort of space age goo and tape (failed), re-did the tubing from the cooler to the main water line (complete with compression valves), and have bought other things to fix things like the water level, the mineral build up and something to do with the bearings. 

This is what kills me:  my father.  He is not Mr. Handy.  His idea of help is to  hand you the yellow pages.  However, before or after the fact when you are just pondering the project he tells you how easy it is to do yourself.  He'll even throw out a few terms that makes him look like he knows what he's talking about.

"Sure you just get the drill bit for the metal, get your hack saw, make sure you have roofing tar on hand, and that's all there is to it."  ~Dad

Uh huh.

However, when you ASK for his HELP he will tell you he is too busy, too old, or he already went through that part in his life.  The man won't even show up for supportive measures.  By the way, he's only 53 and when he says he's busy, that is code for I'm-watching-Golf TV/Food Channel.  It is the most maddening thing ever. 

In the meantime, I've been hanging out with Larry, the Home Depot guy dedicated to the swamp cooler section.  He helped me with the tubing and other how-to's all day yesterday (all 3 trips in the course of 6 hours.)  Larry has been great.

I'm certain this saga isn't over yet...

 

People say the darnest things...

I love quotations.  For a while I’ve been gathering them for scrapbooks or just great sayings that I put up in my office.  I go for the more original ones than those stupid “Achievement” or “Teamwork” or “Persistence” quotes with some stupid photo of a sunrise or other nature scene.  I find those to be just cheesy.

 

I’ve always loved quotes.  In junior high, I ran with the nerds.  They were my homies.  Yup, we were livin’ it up in the science lab!  Our idea of fun was to keep a running quote book that were random sayings taken completely out of context and written down in a spiral notebook.  A teacher finally confiscated it from us and we all got sent to the principal’s office.  I think that was my only time I ever got sent to the principal’s office.  But the real point of me telling you this is to show how much I love quotations.

 

About a year ago I rediscovered a paperweight in a store in Minneapolis.  I originally bought one for my girlfriend when she graduated from law school years ago and always regretted the fact that I never got one for myself.  I now have it sitting by my stapler.  It reads:  what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?  What a great message!

 

Then there are those quotes that really just can’t fit anywhere although they ring in my mind.  I’ll keep the quotes anonymous. 

 

“Remember, there is no cure for stupid.” ~ A nurse from our E.R.  She was referring to the families who either come in for stupid reasons who think the condition requires emergent care as well as the families who come in after their own stupidity caused the child’s injury.  Think of the families who do things like let their child jump on trampolines surrounded by rocks.  Or let their child run barefoot by the lawn mower. Or let their child suck on hangers in department stores and then are shocked when it becomes lodged in the palate.  (All of these are true scenarios that have occurred multiple times in my 5 years of working in the ER.)  While this quote is funny to me, it is not appropriate for me to display in either a scrapbook or in my office.

 

“You can’t kill dead grass.”  ~ One of my best girlfriends from New Orleans.  I figure this must be a southern saying or something that her grandmother used to say.

 

“That ring is going to get a lot of use and it may as well be by you in the meantime.”  ~Grandmother referring to the family heirloom engagement ring my brother just got back from his ex-fiancée.  (My mother was trying the ring on at that moment.)  We’re not certain if she was referring to his dating habits/commitment issues or what, but it struck a funny bone in us.

 

“Its not medicine, its voodoo.” ~Boyfriend currently working on the newborn intensive care unit.  While it is very funny, it is also kind of true.  I think about the tiny babies getting stuck with needles, tubes, etc. I’m guessing that he will never become a neonatologist.  Again, it is not an appropriate quote for work.

 

People say funny things, whether it’s appropriate or not.  Be careful what you say because it might be immortalized in a quote book or in a blog!

 <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

 <o:p></o:p>

 <o:p></o:p>

Ms. Home Depot Wannabe

I’m one of those people who become mesmerized the minute I walk into a Home Depot.  It is a store brimming with possibilities.  The smell of the lumber and tantalizing orange aprons just sets me spinning.  Before you know it I have some Cajun accent in my head from The Water Boy, “You can do it!”  I think I’m delusional.

 

The only section in the store that I feel remotely comfortable in is the Lawn and Garden department.  I know my perennials from my annuals.  I can weed with the best of them.  Anywhere out of this comfort zone and I’m one vulnerable chicka. 

 

Perhaps it was the masochist in me today, but I decided I was feeling well enough physically to completely devastate my self-esteem by thinking I could do a home project.  Actually I took on two.  I got my evaporative cooler ready for the summer and I decided to build a screen for one of my windows. 

 

The aspen cooling pads were a mere $2.67 x 3…match that with the new ladder I bought and that took the project up to $50.00.  Ok, so then I decide window screens can’t be that tough.  I needed to make a screen 36 x 36 (or at least this is what my father measured the night before.)  I bought the kit, the hack saw, fiberglass mesh, and some rolling tool thingy.  I had no idea what a hacksaw was until today.  This project was now up to about $60.00.  I figured, no time like the present so I bought aweed whacker as well.  Home Depot is not a cheap place to go. 

 

I got home and went straight to work.  I pulled down the old panels of my cooler looking like a pro.  There were big fat wires holding the old pads in place.  How do I get the pads out?  I was only five minutes into my new project (on my front lawn by the way looking ever so classy) when I had to break down and call Dad.  He was of no help.  I almost called my Uncle Dave (who is Mr. Handyman and currently is my hero), but I decided, no I was smart enough to figure this out!  I went back inside and read my Home Depot: 1, 2, 3  book.

 

While biding my time, I cleaned the swamp cooler on the new ladder I now had.  I hooked up the water from the basement and then went back out to look at the panels on my front lawn.  Yup, they weren’t fixing themselves. 

 

Ok, new tactic!  We’ll build the screen!  I went in, re-measured the space, and used my hacksaw to cut the metal frame.  I fit it all together and was feeling mighty good about myself even when I put the screen into the frame.  Then I go into my garage to put my trusty new tool away. 

 

I need to pause here to remind everyone that I am a new homeowner.  I still am learning things as it has only been 10 months.  That is my disclaimer.  So, I went into my garage and what do I find?  Oh, the original screen for the window.  Never saw it.

I took both to the window and again climbed up my ladder.  The new one I fashioned doesn’t exactly fit.  Well, the old one doesn’t exactly fit.  The house has settled a bit since construction in 1912.  I went with the old screen and put the one I built back into the garage. 

 

In the meantime, Mom showed up with chips, salsa, and beer.  (Go Mom!)  She looked at the panels on the front lawn and began to yank on the wire.  It popped out!  Why I didn’t think to do that…ok, well I did, but I was too much of a wuss and began to catastrophize things like I would poke an eye out.  When it was all said and done, both projects were done…just in time for the cooler weather and rain forecasted tomorrow.

The Land of Denial

I don’t do sick well.  (Nice pun to start the entry, eh?)  To be ill is to be a burden.  I mean, really it is my job to work with sick people, not be a sick person.  I’m not one to get a cold or a simple virus, oh no, when I get sick I do it with gusto.

 

I’ve been known to catastrophize and then minimize my symptoms.  I’ve also been known to think that I have made up my symptoms.  I begin to think I’m a hypochondriac or worse, I begin to self-diagnose a la the DSM-IV.  Surely it’s better to have malingering disorder and be crazy than to actually need surgery, right?  Typically I go through the illness and then after wonder if I exaggerated symptoms. 

 

These are my typical thoughts:  Did I really need that knee surgery? (Even though I kept dislocating it every time I swam.)  Did I really have that much pain to be prescribed painkillers and go to the ER? (Even though I was sent for an appendectomy and kept inpatient for 5 days.)

 

My current, and yes, greatest is:  “Did I just imagine the blood in my urine?”  Surely I’m making this up right?  This all began last Friday night when I seriously stared into the toilet bowl for about 5 minutes wondering if I was supposed to be having accompanying pain.  I gave it another hour.  Nope, still blood.  Huh.  I began to self-assess.  (This is a dangerous proposition for someone who is used to medical trauma and knows that the nurses make fun of the stupid reasons people think they need the ER.)  Yup, I had an airway, circulation and I was breathing, ok so I must be fine! And then doubt set in.  I know!  I’ll call my doctor boyfriend (never mind that he lives 2000 miles away)!  He didn’t seem that concerned so I waited until morning when I asked my Mom.  She was extremely concerned.  Ok, so my ER viewpoint is a bit skewed, I’ll admit it. 

 

Long story short, I have been in and out of the doctors, on medication, finally felt the pain, given more pain meds, had blood work, CT’s, referrals to specialists, etc..  I’m really not supposed to be at work right now, but I keep thinking I’m not that sick.  They aren’t really certain what is wrong with me except that my tests are all abnormal.  (I keep thinking they will say, “We didn’t find anything,” but they don’t.)  Ok, so it’s a little scary because my Grandmother just died from bladder cancer and my boyfriend already saw his ex-girlfriend through a kidney transplant.  But really, I don’t feel that sick. 

 

What does really settle in is the emotional piece.  I think I’m different.  Other people get sick, I don’t.  I’m not certain how much to share with people.  Apparently I look sick (keep getting comments), but I can’t stand the pity.  I’ve seen chronic illness cause divorce, bankruptcy, grief, and dependence (whether on the medical system, loved ones, or medication).  I don’t want any of that…then again, who does?  (See, this is where the catastrophizing piece comes in.)

 

I tried staying home Monday.  I was tempted to go out and garden, so then I felt guilty that I stayed home.  I could hear my Mother’s voice, “If you’re sick enough to stay home, you are sick enough not to go play.”  However, when I spoke to my doctor she thought I should be home.  (Doing what?!?) 

 

I don’t have a solution…they haven’t come up with a medical test for that one yet.