Inspiration Angst

Googling yourself can yield interesting results.  For example, I found my agenda item for Utah's Social Work Licensing Board as a public record, family history my uncle researched, and apparently I'm a Tulane board alumni representative.  What was the most interesting discovery was a link to a blog/website that listed my name.  Thank God I recognized the person.

This individual came into my life by chance.  She was a volunteer at a social work agency I worked for and was interested in the field.  I offered to have her sit in and assist with my females group for young teens struggling with substance abuse issues.  Word spread that I was open to having co-facilitators and I had 4 or 5 these volunteers during my 5 year tenure with the agency.  They were bright young women, dedicated to creating change, and incredibly reliable.  I always made it a point to include them in the content planning and we always debriefed after the marathon sessions.   The females were filled with drama and the groups were like mini soap operas for 90 minutes.  Every single one of my volunteers ended up going back to school for their Masters of Social Work.

A couple of them became dear friends and colleagues.   We would go to dinner after group to then share our more personal lives.  I always looked forward to those Thursday nights. 

This morning as I ran the search and came across the link, I found her profile on a social activist website.  She listed her favorite books, her passions, her hobbies, and then her teachers/mentors.  I was listed there.  I couldn't believe it.  What an incredible honor.  Jeniece was someone who loved working with the homeless, did domestic violence work in Uganda and found her own spiritual path.  She does things that I only wish I had the courage to try.

It made me realize how much people of slight chance can have such an incredible impact even without intention.  My mentors continue to shape me even if I haven't spoken with them in years.  Their voices are internalized. 

One of them, Jane Parker, continues to give me inspiration to this day.  I remember when I was complaining to her that my career felt stupid, more like common sense, and yet when I gave talks at conferences people wrote down every point I made.  Her response was, "Honey, just because its easy for you doesn't make it less valuable for others.  It just tells me you are in the right field and you are a natural.  Let them pay you for what you are worth."  She was also the one who reminded me, "Honey, that's why God invented Tide," when she found yellowing antique lace curtains.  She never gave up.  Not then.  Not now.  Not even after she lost the love of her life last year.

Another also from graduate school, Lynn Pearlmutter, made a casual observation one day that became a creed for me.  It was election time and I had signed up to run for vice president.  She said, "In such a woman dominated field dedicated to social justice, isn't it interesting that 90% of leadership positions are held by all the men?"  I immediately erased my name and entered the race to be president.  I won.

As my life moves forward I realize that very few of my mentors are outside of my profession.  I do not have homemaker role models, besides my mother, who even now is the bread winner of the family.  That makes me sad.  I don't find inspiration in this role and yet to be a mother and wife are two of the greatest roles imaginable.  As my biological clock continues ticking I realize that I'm entering a world of angst.  Where is the inspiration?