Once a month I get together with nine fantastic women for a book group. It is not like some book groups where the literature is just an excuse to get together and gossip. We actually discuss the book. Last night was our 7-year anniversary.
The group spans about a 40-year age gap and life experience. We have social workers, nurses, a bookkeeper, a writer, a teacher turned mom, an entrepreneur, and a couple of individuals who work at a local university. These women have traveled the world, hiked mountains in Africa, married their soul mates, survived tragedy, saved lives, had children, some divorced and remarried, and have been the strength of their families. I am very proud to be part of this group.
Last night we discussed The Mermaid's Chair by Sue Monk Kidd over a variety of hors d’oerves, wine, and a sinful dessert. I began reading it because I loved The Secret Life of Bees. It wasn’t such an easy read in comparison. As one of the women remarked, it was a mix between The Thorn Birds and a pressured second-book deal for the author. I thought it was ok, but the more we discussed it, the more I realized I had strong feelings about it.
We posed questions among ourselves of things like: What would be a deal breaker for a relationship? What is the significance of Jessie referring to her lover by his monk name vs. his given name when she was talking to her husband? These all seemed like benign questions the literature stirred up for us and in the process of answering them, we revealed secret parts of ourselves to the group.
And then a passage was read that involved the protagonist marrying herself in some stupid ocean ritual before she went back to her husband. What the??? Oh, the women in the group thought this was wonderful and I thought it was contrived, cheesy, and counterfeit. Marrying yourself? Either you’re for the home team or you aren’t. How can you marry yourself when you don’t spend any time by yourself? This woman went from her husband of many years to a monk lover back to her husband!!! The only time spent by herself was at her monk’s sanctuary while she was waiting for him!! Being in serial relationships does not allow you to court yourself, get to know you, and then commit to always being faithful to yourself and not abandoning your principles.
I have done the affair thing and I have done the serial relationship thing. During that time in my life I thought I knew what I wanted and who I was. In reality, I hadn’t a clue. Its like Julia Roberts in “The Runaway Bride” where she likes her style of eggs the way her current fiancé likes his eggs. She doesn’t know!! It wasn’t until I made the conscious decision to really commit to myself and be alone for a while that I discovered I really liked myself. I am independent, ethical, interesting, and smart. I enjoy being by myself.
People fill up their lives with people because they are afraid of being alone. Its one thing to be lonely and another to choose to be alone. I have felt lonely in a crowd and in a relationship. To choose to be alone is empowering. It is a state of being, not a feeling.
The more I talked, the louder I became, and the more I gestured. Apparently I was very passionate about this. When I finally stopped a few were laughing at me and others just had an expression of confusion/concern. Ok, well it hit a button for me. A big, red, flashing button that said, “push me.” I had to stop and wonder why it got hit.
As I sit in limbo land of this current relationship I have to wonder what is at stake. Am I being faithful to myself by staying and sticking out the waiting period or am I self-sacrificing? As a friend put it, “I know there is a right decision out there, but it will only be apparent in the future.” No wonder my button got pushed. What’s even more ironic is that I’m waiting for the stupid ritual of declaration of dedication…not by me, but by someone else. My button didn’t get pushed, it got hit by a ton of bricks.
Today I head back to the land of cornfields and tent revivals. One of my employees asked if she should get the officepool going again. I came home from Hawaii to find one posted about my pending engagement. She was joking and I just shook my head. The reality is I’m already married…to myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment