The Grief of Grief

My boyfriend thinks I'm a bit emotionally blocked.  Numb, if you will.  You see, I haven't had a really good cry since my grandmother died.  At work, people are walking around on eggshells with the empathic scrunched up face and a, "How ya doing?"  I make light of the situation and their faces get even more contorted with concern.  The thing of it is, I'm really not sure where my emotions are right now. 

As a trained therapist I know the 7 stages of grief a la Kubler-Ross; you just never think they apply to you.  Yesterday I was just utterly confused.  I got muddled on simple tasks, was highly unproductive with my day, and couldn't figure out what to do with myself.  Today I've lacked body perception.  For instance, I'm running into things.  (Re-reading this I know now I'm in shock.)

I can't even identify what stage my family is emotionally.  Yesterday everyone went about their business as usual.  Dogs were walked, taxes were done, jobs were performed, meals were cooked, and even medical appointments were made.  Not a single tissue was used.  No one immediately clustered together for joint solace and family support.  Today this trend continued until the anger stage struck.

It is displaced anger, but anger none-the-less.  Most of it was directed towards me.  Typically anger is before the depression and somewhere after denial.  I can't remember where barganing fits in, but that certainly hasn't hit. 

Things I also remember from my professional life:  crisis is not the time to reinvent the wheel.  You do what you know to make yourself feel better.  Some exercise, some withdraw, some write (guess who), some drink, some overeat, some smoke, well you get the point. 

My father has always been one to bond through fighting.  A good rousing argument is just what he needs to get engaged on an emotional level.  I can't say I was surprised when he called tonight ready to pick a fight over a topic he didn't fully understand.  He was just after the exchange.  The embarressing thing is that I took the bait.  I became defensive and ultimately hung up on him when I realized I didn't have the energy.  I instead wrote an email to my parents later (which again is my usual coping mechanism.) 

I'm braced for the full force to hit, but will it happen?  (If it doesn't I'm certain my anger phase will kick into high gear.)  The thing about grief is that it is a rapid cycle packed with punches you can't dodge...not even your parents rath.  Everyone experiences it differently and there really isn't one right way to do things.  The best thing you can do is to allow grace for everyone around you, not to take things personally, and own your own projections.  Its good advice to give, and good advice to take.