Mission Impossible: This Message Will Self-Destruct

Never underestimate the power of a good psychiatrist.

Several of you have heard stories about this guy.  I get more work done in a 15 minute session than I did with my therapist.  Note:  past tense, I fired the guy after our sessions became more entertainment value for him and boundaries crossed.  This psychiatrist has more than a big ego and Rx pad; this guy has insight.

To be a therapist's therapist would be difficult.  You have to be able to cut past all of the intelletual defenses and call them on the carpet.  I'm very good at self-diagnosing a la DSM IV, justfying irrational beliefs, and playing each session like a chess game.  Basically I'm scared and its easier to hide.  I can't do this with Dr. C.

I haven't seen this guy since October, but the first thing on my mind was my parents.  How do I draw boundaries?  Ever since I got ill, I had to become more dependent on them.  Couldn't drive, various appointments, foggy on narcotics, etc..  And thus the cycle began, they too became more dependent on me.  One day my mother decided to "unburden" herself on me.  (This was done over a drop-in with Starbucks the day before they were ruling out ulcers...I knew the visit was more for her than me right off the bat.)

The issue:  finances.  She was trapped in the relationship where my father refused to work and they are going broke on her self-employment.  My father left his job "early retirement" at the age of 48.  He doesn't have a college degree and just has life experience to get him to the VP level.  Naturally he is intimidated by going back out in the workforce.  I really don't know if I should be more angry with the man or pity him.  They were a yuppie role model of the 80's and now they are facing downsizing again and selling the country club membership.  What really got to me was that each of them felt helpless and were resigned to it.

I suggested therapy to Mom.  She ho-hummed it saying that she couldn't afford it.  I've already done the route of rebuilding Dad's resume and doing mock-interviews with him.   Anytime I talked with Dad and Mom about it, Dad turned into a 4 year old.  "I won't work and you can't make me."  Mom would just tell me that by bringing it up I was making it worse.  By bringing me into the picture drew their focus away from the real issue between them,but I recognized that I was being manipulated.  So, the question remains:  How do you watch someone you love self-destruct?

I realized right away bringing my brother into the issue was a problem.  He began to sell one of his I'll-save-them plans.  He also took it personally that they were selling the membership.  Like I said, bad idea.

Dr. C pointed out that the more I try to help, the more I create dependence and really, if I don't let them self-destruct, how will they know how to be self-reliant and solve the problem themselves?  This insight seems like a, "well, duh," but I was clueless.  By the way, most individuals do not have to learn this lesson of let-them-go until they have teenagers (unless you are a parentified child like me.)

So, with that I left the office.  I left a bit unburdened and realized that the dependency factor is inherent in my relationship with my parents.  I also realized I have control over it. 

Will my parents self-destruct?  More than likely.  Its not a pretty reality, but I've decided to not accept the challenge of mission impossible:  save your parents.