Affirmation

Huh.  I kind of feel like a deer in the headlights.  Over the years as a director, I have dealt with a lot of political and interpersonal nightmares.  Perhaps it was because I was a young peer moving up the ranks, perhaps it was something else.  All I know is that I have kept the details to myself vs. publically processing things on the blog for a good reason.  Much thanks to Dooce who lived, learned, and passed on her wisdom.  Note to self:  will not repeat her mistake.  All I know is that when I began to finally let my colleagues and staff know of my intention to leave, I felt more relief than regret.  Indiana with its fields of corn, evangelical tent revivals, race cars and tornados looks really good to me right now.

The team is in a good place.  I'm really proud of the work we've done on our relationships, trust, task forces, etc..  Most of the work was behind having them believe in themselves and just prove how excellent they were vs. playing the martyr victim.  Odd that a profession so built on advocacy would have so many people in victim mode.  I'm glad to be leaving on a high note vs. a low one.  I'm happy that administration is wanting to work with me to help transition and have me be mostly in control of my termination date. 

I've been telling staff members individually of my plans which have been met with some tears, a lot of congratulations, one expressing interest in my job, and one begging me not to go.  Today in staff meeting I addressed their anxiety openly.  To my surprise quite a few asked if the organization would consider having me go on a LOA for a couple of years and they would be ok with an interim director for the meantime.  I thought only one person felt that way, but apparently they wanted to organize a group to petition the CEO, admin director, and HR for this plan. 

If anything, I was flattered.  Part of me wondered if it was more about them being more afraid of change than it was about me.  Even some of my harshest critics acknowledged how much they appreciated me and respected me, but our biggest source of pain was the change of me taking over in the beginning. 

Either way no matter what happens, interim or permanent replacement, it was a nice affirmation that the past 3 years have meant something. 

All Y'All

Phew!  Things are going so fast!  I just got back from Louisiana where wedding 2 out of 3 for 2006 occurred.  The first was my dear friend in San Francisco, but I couldn't make it because I was so sick. 

Miss Stacey was married last Saturday at a beautiful plantation.  www.houmashouse.com  I was a bridesmaid.  I can tell you that of all of the times I've been a bridesmaid, this has been my favorite experience.  The dress was pretty, I had hair long enough for an up-do, the weather was perfect, and my fiance flew down to meet me. 

I can say that the bride was a bundle of nerves as the countdown to zero hour.  She was so focused on her tiara looking just right and her make up to be just so.  She was not the talkative chatty southern belle I was used to.  All I could think was, "This is a preview of how I'm going to be."  Or not. 

One of my bridesmaids, Michael the chaplain, instructed me that I needed to get rid of the perfection myth.  On some level that will be easy because details can sometimes elude me. 

Its been a few years since I've been back to NOLA.  I have to say, I couldn't bear to fly into New Orleans, so I flew into Baton Rouge like a coward.  At the rehearsal dinner, the natives (otherwise known as the ya yas) gave me updates on how the city was doing. 

Apparently the lakeshore is still devistated.  There is a waterline along I 10 where the flood waters hit that they haven't washed off.  There are cars that were flooded along the interstate that no one has cleared.  Charity Hospital's Emergency Department has moved to the Lord and Taylor department store.  There aren't any service people.  Even taco bell has limited hours and closes at 7:00 PM.  Emeril's Delmonico restaurant still isn't open...the recorded message says, "Due to Hurricane Katrina, we are still closed."  Emeril's just barely opened up with limited seating, limited hours, and a limited menu.  Tell me again why we're sending troops to guard our southern borders (but not our northern) when the city is still in shreads?

In other news, my engagement photos are up!  www.davinafear.com/alijon/   They are amazing!

Annoying

I must be hormonal except for the fact that the calendar says I should be FINE. 

If you've been paying attention to the "what I'm reading" section recently, it has reflected a variety of different marriage prep books.  I call it my arsenal for a pre-emptive strike against the freak-out I'm trying to avoid but is oh so characteristic of me.  Currently I'm skimming The Medical Marriage for obvious reasons.  The authors (a married couple who are not MD's) suggest reading it together, but I can't figure out why because its all facts and no deep questions for couples to even spawn a conversation.  Basically the message its sending is, marriage is hard but being married to a doctor is worse.  Really comforting, folks.

The previous book I read was by Marg Stark called, What NoOne Tells the Bride.  Its worth a read.  Fear about becoming a Mrs. (as in what you think of as the exclusive title of your mother in law), navigating me-time/we-time, and whatnot.  It was really great to the point that I went in search for her web site.  Wouldn't you know it, she's become a traitor.  Now her site is all about her being a Mommy. 

I have nothing against the motherhood movement.  What's annoying me is that it seems to just be another status ring.  There are lists and lists of blogs dedicated to being a mom and the challenges associated with it.  Please note, I am a fan of them.  However, I do search through the material for issues and topics I can relate to that do not have anything to do with sleeping patterns, poopy diapers, or cheerios.  Please tell me that these women hang on to something of themselves besides their primary identity of being a mom.  They did have a life before pushing a melon out of their hoo haw (yes, the very medically scientific term I adopted from living in the south).

My question is, where are the blogs dedicated to the transition of singlehood to couplehood?  Is this where Sex and the City took off?  Notice there isn't a Mom in the City movement (yet, I should say, yet). 

My future sister in law has a 22 month old.  She lives in LA as a stay at home mom and has tried to expand her social circles.  She let me know that the hierarchy doesn't end once you are a mom.  Nope.  You get bonus points for the MORE children you have.  Thus, because she's only had one, she falls to the bottom of the club. 

My cousin has had two and lives in a very wealthy part of Utah.  To show she is all about it, she has embarked on an extreme make-over of veneers and a boob job.  Apparently she's running for prom queen of the mommies.

Will the hierarchy competition ever end?

Six Degrees

I'm certain everyone has heard about the game, "Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon."  I, myself, have never played...that is, until today.  Here's the deal:

I have an employee who's roommate just landed a job as a nanny for Meg Ryan, who was married to Dennis Quaid, who was in a movie with Kyra Sedgwick, who is married to Kevin Bacon.  Or, you could just note that I once saw Kevin Bacon perform at the Gallivan Center with his brother.  I actually stumbled into that concert by accident.

What is really amazing is the nannying part.  She is getting paid six figures for taking care of the adopted child and coordinating schedules for the 14 year old with the joint custody arrangement.  (I can tell you this as there haven't been any confidentiality clauses signed.)  Six figures.  What the hell was I thinking going to college, graduate school, and wanting to help the world for my salary? 

Apparently the nanny has been doing this for 14 years.  I had friends who did the nanny thing until their early 20's always swearing they would NEVER hire a nanny (none of them have either).  I'm certain people read the bestseller, "The Nanny Diaries."  Somewhere there is a line between the meager fees, a weekend off, and free room to six figures, Christmas in St. Barts, and movie sets.  This woman crossed that line. 

She was back East working for a rap mogul.  His kids were apparently only brought out for photo ops and to show off the bling.  Ms. Ryan is a huge step up on the parenting involvement.

When I was little I always wanted a nanny (Mary Poppins style), store bought cookies, and thought videos were a huge treat.  Instead I had a stay at home mom, fresh baked cookies, and active imagination games like school/gas station/restaurant. 

I hope when I have kids, they have the same desires and realities I did.  Nannies need not apply.

 

Work it Baby

I just got home from a conference in San Diego involving the social work leaders in healthcare.  Although the annual conference fell during the last part of my fiance's vacation home, I went solo to obtain CEU's and network.  My hope was to meet social workers from Indiana.  As luck would have it, I sat down next to one on the shuttle bus from the airport within minutes of arriving.  I think she put it eloquantly, "I don't believe in chance." 

We spent a few hours sight seeing around the gas lamp district.  Its as vintage as sunny California can get with Victorian archetecture, bar after bar, and pan handlers asking for change so they can buy weed.  (At least they are honest.)  I think this scene was a bit much for my new friend who looked just like my third grade teacher, Mrs. Liston, complete with the large framed bifocal glasses, Rebok shoes, and knitted sweater.  Her response was, "Oh my." 

As we walked around town, I listened to her stories of her three very single sons, her desire for a daughter-in-law, and her husband's new retirement with hobbies that include orchard tending and bee keeping on their farm house estate.  The next day she introduced me to several of the Indiana delegates.  Mrs. Liston II wasn't shy in introducing me and then saying I was looking for a job.  I had dinner with the group and spoke with the State's chapter president who said she had two openings in the county system, but then listened to my experience and said the board would never hire me because I had done too much, was too experienced, and posed to be a threat.  I have a fear this is going to be the case no matter where I apply.  I was so "in" with the Indy group that I accidentially got my photo taken with them for the chapter and somehow missed the Utah group.  Oops.

It also turns out that Mrs. L II is a lifetime achievement award person with the National society.  She has created innovative social work programs to help fund expensive things like breast care medications to those who don't qualify for insurance or Medicaid.  Who would have thought there was so much gusto in the reincarnation of a grade school teacher?

I spent the next day trying to make it up to the Utah group by going to lunch with them.  They asked me to run for president-elect of our chapter and I somehow edged out of that one. 

When I was leaving yesterday I found Mrs. L II and told her thank you for everything.  She began to cry.  Ack.  She went on to say that she thought I was "precious" and that she looked forward to me moving there so she could show me all of the "bargain shopping places" in the city.  I was introduced to her husband, Bob the Beekeeper, who said, "Ah you're the one my wife keeps saying she wishes was marrying into our family, but hey, congratulations on your engagement."  She made me swear I would send her my resume as soon as I got home.

All I could say?  Oh my.

Woulda Coulda Cana

Last weekend I was in Indianapolis visiting my fiance.  On the agenda was a little bit more than our typical make dinner at home/visit the Indianapolis Museum of Art/Rene's Bakery agenda.  Oh no, we had a date with the Catholic church for a Pre Cana weekend.

There are a few hoops to jump through in order to marry in the church.  Besides the typical baptism records, you also get to do a natural family planning class and an engaged encounter weekend.  However, in Indy the nearest retreat house is 4 hours away so they use the shortened version, Pre Cana, as its sub.  Think of it as premarital counseling via cliff notes.  My fiance and I began to wonder if we were cheating the system by doing the condensed version, so we sought counsel with Father Stan.  He said that if it counted good for them, who is he to say that it isn't. 

Sunday morning came and we actually made it to church.  I'm not a big fan of the newer movement.  The altar is more out into the audience and the pews have been rearranged to go around it in a semi-circle of sorts.  I think they wanted us to feel included more, but all I could think of was a run way at Fashion Week.  (I'm going to Hell for that one.)

Moving on, we took advantage of our small break and had brunch, but we were a bit late to the engaged couples meeting.  Surprisingly, it was a big crowd and we got to sit in the front row (only space left).  I made up for us being the disruption by calling further attention to us by winning the prize because I had traveled the furthest for the weekend.  It was a cheesy ring holder from the archdiociese.  And the instruction began!

We mingled a bit on cue with our couple next to us.  Allison and Jeff.  Met 2 years ago.  Getting married in May.  They are also socially stunted because they didn't ask us one question back.  The first volunteer couple instructors came forward to talk about Family of Origin.  I began to tune out because it was social work 101.  They went on and on about how holidays can be tough and divorced in-laws can be challenging.  No kidding.

The second session was on communication.  A new instructor couple emerged and literally handed out a worksheet entitled, "Rules for Fighting."  #1. No physical violence.  Ok, its just a sad statement when this really needs to be said, and I suppose, some inthe room probably needed to be reminded of it.  The one thing I can say I liked is that they did say it was ok for you to fight in front of your children as long as they also see you make up.  They handed out another "fun" sheet for a "date" night that listed things like, favorite number, favorite color, favorite meal, etc.  Then I got down to, "favorite position."  I stopped and whispered to my fiance, "Aren't we NOT supposed to know this yet?"  He smiled and whispered back, "I know mine.  Full back."  Trying to keep my giggles quiet was a challenge.

After the break, the NFP class was next.  A young couple came in and began a fairly persuasive presentation on this.  The fire and brimstone was left behind and only small amounts emerged in their "testimony" of sorts.  On some level it made sense, that is a medical healthy perspective.  The debate of when life began was touched upon, but not drilled.  It was rather nice.  They also made an argument about how it brought  closer communication and intimacy.  Ok, really, this made sense if your morning dialogue included things like basal temp, mucus viscosity, and potential breast tenderness.  "Good morning, honey, how did you sleep?  I dreamed I was flying and by the way my temp is 98.9 and the fluid resembles egg whites."  Ooh, sexy.  I'm certain that kind of talk will really encourage some hot heavy mornin' lovin'!  All joking aside, they did also say that couples who practice this method have a less than 2% divorce rate.  Whether this is true or not, I'm not certain.

The last class was taught by Father Kevin.  He was a roly poly man who waddled in, adjusted his glasses, and immediately announced UConn's upset.  I liked him already.  He began to talk about God's grace in marriage.  He was married before becoming a priest.  His wife, Carol, died to ovarian cancer.  He told stories of the intimate moments.  The happy moments, the sad moments, the anger moments...all of them devine moments.  He was witty, genuine, and was literally the highlight of the day.

Many people dread this requirement of the Catholic church.  I'm just thinking they didn't have the right location. 

Small Lake City and the Name Game

I apologize for not writing for a couple of weeks.  Its been wedding drama left right and center.

Occasionally I will use the term, "Small Lake City," to refer to my hometown when 6 degrees of separation seems like a severe understatement.  It seems like everyone knows someone you know.  I had one boyfriend who lived out of town and everytime we got on a plane leaving Utah, I knew at least one other passenger.  This seemed comical to a guy from the East Coast. 

Two weeks ago I flew into planning mode again to appease my anxiety.  I began with the photographer.  My mother and I went to interview one, Duston Todd, who was highly creative and edgy, but my gut said to move on.  I began to call others.  I realize that I'm a bit jaded by names after working at a children's hosptial.  It seems that all Destiny's, Celesitial's, or Nevaeh's (Heaven backwards) are destined for a sexual assault, Brooklyn's have some sort of congenital heart defect, and Ashley's usually overdose.  Rule of thumb I've learned is the funkier the spelling of the name, the worse the medical diagnosis.  With this being said, a photographer with two first names caught my supersition-salt-throwing-avoiding-black-cats kind of sense.  Like I said, I moved on.  The names got worse, but the creativity got better.

Pepper Nix.  Great photographer.  Already booked.  She spent 45 minutes one Saturday morning giving me advice to help me find THE photographer and then went on about flowers, lighting, invitations, etc.  She was amazing to the point that I sent her a thank you note.  She led met to Davina Fear.  This woman rocked.  Mom and I met with her and I booked her on the spot.  (Yes, these are all their birth names.) 

With the contract signed and deposit check written, Mom and I celebrated with a glass of wine.  About an hour and a half later when Mom had left and I was settling into the couch, Davina was back at my door.  She was distraught.  She had pitched to another bride days before and promised to wait a certain amount of time, but had gotten caught up in my excitement and booked with me for the same day.  Ethics vs. legal vs. emotions vs. logic all played out as I invited her in to debrief.  I wasn't certain if my role was to play social worker, friend, customer, legal advisor, or what so mostly I listened andreframed.

A rough 24 hours passed and she called thanking me and reassuring me that she would honor her contract and do my wedding.  Phew!  With that done, I began to move onto the flowers.  Met Shawn, booked him on the spot.  (How can you resist a male florist who says, "Oh goodie!" when you tell them you are going to book them?) 

Then the band issue the following day came up.  I investigated a few bands.  For the most part, musicians are flakey (including my brother).  With my type A personality the contract of, "If I don't show up, I don't get paid," doesn't work for me.  My fiance was against my first choice because they sounded schmaltzy.  (Interesting word, it makes me think of an accordian player in a powder blue tux.)  But then the others were flakes.  I found J.D. Moffet.  Great guy.  Turns out we had all sorts of connections in Small Lake.  For example:  my grandmother and his mother in law are best friends, he taught my brother guitar, he played at my uncle's funeral, he knows the anesthesiology dept at work very well.  I went to see them play and we booked.  He said he had a tenative engagement scheduled for the same night, but we were practically family so it really wasn't a question.

He called the next day telling me about his experience cancelling the other party.  When he told them he had another engagement at Log Haven the reply was, "Unbelievable!  First she gets my photographer and now she got my band!"

Whoever this bride is, I'm certain she hates my guts.