I don't need no stinkin man

I think I'm offically beginning to freak out. 

It all started when I began to explore the idea of refinancing my house.  I figure it would be good to see about the potential of locking in a better interest rate for a longer period of time while I'm away in the midwest.  When it came to the point of making a decision of moving forward I found myself doing a huge explaination to the mortgage broker.

"You see, I have to run this by my fiance.  Not that I'm used to this.  I usually can make decisions all by myself, in fact I'm used to it, but now that I'm engaged I think its important that I get his input and so that I...I mean WE can agree and decide on what would be best for us in the long run.  I mean, that is what you do when you are married, but I'm just getting used to the idea, so is it ok if I call you back within the next 24 hours?  I'm sorry I can't give you an answer now." 

The mortage broker probably thought I was needing more psychotropics by then.  You see, when I said "I need to run this by my fiance," it felt as if I were saying, "I'm not strong enough to make a decision by myself and I have to wait on my man."

Needlesstosay, given my fiance's call schedule and sleep deprivation as well as his sheer adversity to making decisions, not only has 24 hours eclipsed, but 72 hours and I still haven't called back the mortgage broker.

At work, I've been getting used to the idea of someone else sitting in my chair...ooh, Freudian slip...sitting in THE DIRECTORS chair.  I've been thinking of internal candidates more so than external.  Today I heard that one of my former male therapists who quit within 3 months of my directorship was planning on applying for my job, I was thinking, "oh no he didn't!" 

Here's the deal.  I live in a profession with 90% of the workforce women, but most of the top administrative jobs held by the males.  Stupid males.  Stupid sexism.  Makes me think that I would rather have my nemesis in the chair than some guy.  ESPECIALLY some guy who quit on me.  Sure I told him he could come back any time...I meant as a CLINICIAN. 

In graduate school I actually signed up to run as vice president of the school until one of my professors pointed out the sexist descrepancy of leadership within the profession.  I got so mad I went up and erased my name for v.p. and wrote in for president.  I won.  That same drive haunts me now. 

The drive to be an indepenent feminist.