Redwood in a Can

Well, it took me about 3 weeks start to finish minus rain delays, two products that couldn't be applied in direct sunlight, and my lazy side on weekday mornings, but the first coat of the deck is done!  I have to tell you, its been quite the ordeal.  When I first went to Home Depot and began to invest in products, my mother told me I had been "sold a bill of goods" (another strange cliche I'm not certain of the meaning, but its been in my family for generations.)  There was the stripper, the brightener, the brushes, the spongey applier thingys, the deck brush, and a squirt bottle. 

I usually began in the mornings.  Edgar would be tied up in the back yard so he felt included (hello, he's a pack animal), but far enough away from the chemicals.  Sometimes Mom would show with bagels and a sense of humor.  I always had music on.  I kept thinking, "this can't be that hard."  And I also remembered my uncle's advice that you can always fix it.

The stripper (ok that just sounds strange), the paint stripper was advised to be applied by the squirt bottle.  My hands began to cramp by board 4.  Mom, who accompanied me in this little journey bright and early before the sun hit the deck, suggested we try a mop.  The mop only just sucked up the paint stripper and failed to distribute it.  It also subsequently ruined my mop.  We turned to the brushes.  Yup, hours upon hours of bending over painting, waiting for it to cure, then madly brushing the chemical up before it dried, and finally pressure hosing it down.  It was rewarding though to watch the stain just lift right up.

I moved onto the brightener just this past Thursday.  I got up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 to get it going.  I finished the whole thing that morning.  I think this was the part that my mom doubted, but it turned ugly weathered wood the color of honey and was worth the $19.99 or whatever I paid for it. 

This morning I was ready for the stain.  I went with a redwood tint, mostly because it was what the previous owners had and I didn't want to condition the bloody benches.  Besides, it looks nice with my sandstone wall.  My first problem was I didn't know how to open the paint can.  Oh, how I wish I were kidding. 

Remember how my father isn't handy so its not like I had a role model.  When I was about 11 or so my grandfather "commissioned" his granddaughters to paint the white fence that went the full perimeter of the ranch up in Oakley, Utah.  It was a BIG ranch.  We spent about a week doing this and keeping a timecard so we could get paid.  I think we were just child labor, but whatever.  Of course, he was meticulously Army trained and a bit OCD so he took care of the messy parts like opening the paint cans and pouring it into the container (I'm certain there is a fancy name for it, but "container" works just fine.)  As prepubescent girls go, we of course screwed things up like managed to get paint EVERYWHERE and loaded the brushes all the way to the metal.  This causes the bristles to separate.  I earned about $50 that summer.

Once I called my mom to find out how to open the can, I was off and rolling (nice pun.)  Then it dawned on me, I had everything BUT stuff to clean the paint off of me.  Because although it had been decades, I made the same mistakes.  Paint everywhere and I loaded the brushes.  I called my mom again to ask for paint thinner.  There wasn't a way I could paint laden get in my car and get back to Home Depot.  I began to curse the sales dudes who just happened to forget this important part. 

My fiance called me part way through the morning post-call.  I told him of my debacle and he told me I needed spirits.  Ok, I thought he was joking and could picture me going into the store asking for spirits or ghosts or something and only for the clerk to burst into hysterics.  He clarified mineral spirits, but I wasn't convinced.  Only once we hung up did I call my dad who just said they didn't have any paint stuff at the grocery store. 

I actually began to read the can.  Hey!  Its water clean up!  Ok, so back to the sink!  Yeah, not so much.  I began to wonder if I would be permanently redwood myself.  Screw it, I went back outside to complete my venture.  My work became a bit sloppy in an effort just to get the damn thing done.  So what if some of the stain landed on the metal.  Its Water Soluable!  I'm certain it will clean up.  I continued to work on the wood around the fence....that is, until I ran out of paint. 

In the meantime, my parents stopped by with paint "kleenup."  Didn't look to environmentally friendly, but perhaps it could work.  My father remarked that I didn't get inbetween the boards.  Say what?  They left with Edgar (rescued from the boring backyard) and I began to shove my already loaded brush inbetween the boards, which, by the way, doesn't work.

Well, like I said, I ran out of paint (yes, I'm certain this story is just riveting you to the screen, but you can stop reading if you'd like.)  So I attempted to wash off best I could without the Kleenup and made it to Home Depot.  They had to mix another can for me and then I asked about the inbetween parts.  Wouldn't you know, for only $19.95 there was a wonder brush with surface appliers and a small wedge that also went inbetween the boards.  But wait, there's more!  A rebate!  I began to look at the $3.00 sponges thinking I could do this for cheaper, but in the end I just gave up and bought the sucker.

Did I mention I was getting sloppy?  Who cares if part of it lands on the concrete/plant leaves/hose?  It's Water Soluable!  The whole time I was painting the fence and watching it drip I kept hearing a song from "Alice in Wonderland" in my head.  "We're painting the roses red, painting the roses red, not pink, not green, not aquamarine, We're painting the roses red!"  Perhaps the paint fumes were getting to me.

I began to doubt my confidence in the water based cleaning when I tried to wash the brushes and me and it just smeared the tacky substance around.  I first read on the container that it was ok to have human skin contact and then dampened a rag like my grandfather did before to scrub it off of me.  It took me roughly 7 hours today to get one coat done on everything.  I have a bit of a sunburn and a wee headache from dehydration. 

Only another 72 hours before I can do coat 2!