They say that all major wars were launched due to faith and beliefs. The Cruisades, the World Wars, even Jihad. I would argue that it is power framed as being related to faith and beliefs. See, for example, my current battle over the rehearsal dinner.
It all began with a common misunderstanding about expectations. What resources were being dedicated to which part of the overall wedding experience. I found that my unspoken number was quite different than my family-in-law-to-be. Both sides believed they were being reasonable and had faith all would work out in the end. But would it?
Resources = power. Just ask the social worker who's days' work is finding resources for those who don't have any. Generally speaking, these are the mentally ill, poverty stricken, and now more than ever, the middle class. But anyway, I'm off that soap box.
The problem was that both my fiance and I believed that there was one big pot of resources vs. dividing out across the traditional roles. We planned the budget from this point of view and were, sorely, sorely mistaken. Feelings were hurt, mixed messages were sent, and to be honest, I'm still not certain where we stand.
Last night my fiance said that politics are just a fancy way of using soft language to get what you want. I find that family politics do not work out this way at all. I have never heard a 16 year old finesse an agreement from their parents for things like having a huge party with no supervision. (If I had, I would have been refering to DCFS for neglect...sure, have your whole high school come by while we're out of town and here's the liquor cabinet key) I don't think so.
Soft language would be ok...if you were at a childrens' hospital (don't say large needle, but a small straw that may feel like a tiny pinch). Soft language in families doesn't fly. I'm a literal kind of person. You tell me, yes, it means yes. No means no. So when you tell me that it is ok to use the backyard and then the next day ask if I really understood you that what you meant was, no...well, this doesn't fly for me. However, in some families between the lines reading is the M.O. With my family, you almost wish there were lines because the game is on even at the Sunday dinner table. Both families believe they have the best way of communicating. Do you come to Sunday dinner with a magnifying glass to pick apart the clues or a shield to abort the blows?
Who has the power? That has yet to be decided as the two families blend with their beliefs. Will it be the "strong and silent" or the "honesty is the best policy?"
No comments:
Post a Comment